Little things

What a relief to have my laptop back! It took a couple of days to get caught up on my grading and to get our taxes done. Now I can get back to blogging more regularly. It's nice to have a keyboard that works again, though the new keyboard isn't backlit like my old one was. :(

I’ve reached a point where I’m simply overwhelmed by the despair and suffering in this world. It just gets worse and worse. I feel angry, sad, helpless, and hopeless right now. I’m going to try to avoid blogging about current events for a while, because I already spend way too much time stressing over things I can’t fix.

This week will be busy and stressful (the good kind of stress though, as it will actually be gone soon, and there’s something I can do about it) due to another dance performance for L. She will be dancing at the Overture Center this weekend, and we have a Weds. night stage rehearsal. Since M has an event Weds. night and will be out of town this weekend (again) for a speaking engagement, I will be on my own. M’s parents will be coming this weekend, and this will be the first time they’ve seen her perform.

M was gone part of last weekend, and he took L with him, leaving me alone with the animals. I used much of that time to get caught up on the grading and finish taxes, but was planning a little human-free downtime for myself Friday night. I didn’t need to go anywhere and had plenty of leftovers to heat up, so I was going to be lazy, drink champagne, and watch Dostana (a Bollywood movie) while I cuddled up with my furry babies (after all of the animal and household chores were done, of course). Then Dej stopped by for a bit, while waiting for Russ to get off work.
I’m not totally sure how it happened but it went from a brief visit to her going out for Indian food, to her going to get potatoes to make a curried potato recipe from one of my cookbooks, to me making dal and roti for her & Russ. She assured me during the 2 hour prep/cooking process that she felt really guilty and would help, but it was easier to just do it than try to explain it to her and have her do it. She said she would do dishes after eating, since I had to do so much work for her. I was pleased that they both enjoyed it and ate a lot! They decided to stay and watch the movie with me. It was very funny, and we had a really nice time. When it was time for them to go, they put on their coats and hats, and Dej said, “Oh, I can do dishes before I go.” I told her no, that I would rather just do them in the morning and to go on and have fun, and chuckled at her offer made while fully clothed in outerwear and with keys in hand.

It was not at all the night of leisure, sloth, and debauchery that I had planned. I was left on my own to determine why I didn’t mind “losing” my night of from kitchen duty. I hate kitchen duty—cooking and all that goes along with it. I look forward to M’s trips, as it’s a night that I don’t have to cook a big meal. If M had walked in the door unexpectedly and said he had a taste for dal—could I make some, I would have either laughed at him or blown a gasket, depending on my mood. Somehow it’s different with my child(ren) though. I enjoy doing things for them, particularly when they appreciate my efforts.

Since Dej moved out (albeit only three blocks away, I don’t see her everyday), I find myself trying to lure her back with offers of making her favorite meals, treats, or anything else that would entice her to come hang out at home. It’s a bit pathetic, but as long as it works, I’ll keep doing it. My mom’s been doing the same thing with me for over 20 years, and I’ve felt horribly guilty about it for 20 years. Now that I’m on the mom side of that relationship, I am seeing that it is a compulsive desire—even need—to continue to mother the adult child in whatever way we can. While I will continue to appreciate my mother’s efforts and not take them for granted, I will be able to accept her efforts with less guilt (though with slight puzzlement, as I am not someone who is easy to be around). As the mom of an adult daughter, I’ve learned fairly quickly to read when my mothering is needed, will be tolerated, or will cause an eruption. When my mothering will be welcomed, do as much as I can possibly squeeze in and when it won’t, keep my mouth shut (to the extent that I am able). I’m left thinking that perhaps the most difficult part of the adult mother/daughter relationship is in learning to gracefully accept one another’s gifts from the heart, however they may manifest, without keeping score or feeling guilt.

For tonight, I am trying to keep out of the depths of despair, and I'm focusing on positive things. Given the current state of the world, I'm almost embarassed to reveal what's making me happy at the moment. One of my projects yesterday was to clean up, organize, and relabel all of my spices. I look over at them every time I go through the kitchen to get to the bathroom. Ridiculously small, but I'm enjoying it.