More lilies

More lilies from our garden.

I'm mentally ducking out of our family movie tonight. I'm sitting here next to my girl, trying desperately to not listen to this. We had a Netflix miscommunication, and ended up with a movie called Earth that is not about Earth actually, but the animals. I am near tears, and the crapping movie still has another hour to go. I may have to leave the room. There is too much animal suffering, and none of the animals have died on screen (yet, anyway). I can't stop feeling exactly what they are feeling in the horrible situations, and it makes me sick. I feel vomitty. It doesn't bother L nearly as much as it does me. Luce seems much less bothered by the suffering of others than I am or than Dej was at that age.

I've been trying so hard for months now to convince myself that there is a reason to live--that there's more to life than muddling from one bit of suffering to the next. Seeing the reality of nature and the world we live in reconfirms that I'm right. Oops--and so much for no death on screen. That's now been taken care of.

I meet a baby rabbit this afternoon five minutes before she died. It was a nasty accident that I happened to witness. We stopped by Sarita's house to look at her yard and help with some landscaping questions after L's dance class. As we were chatting in her backyard, looking over the huge shared central greenspace, we saw her neighbor's little dog tear off and run to another little dog. I thought at first that the dogs were fighting, but then Sarita made out that they had a baby rabbit. The dogs people were behind them chasing and yelling. I took off running to check the rabbit. The guys thought she was dead and were going to bury her, but she wasn't dead yet. I rubbed her chest, loved her, and talked to her until she was gone. I hope I provided her some degree of comfort at the end. I walked away knowing she was the lucky one. Her misery has ended.

We then went inside, where Sarita made us a traditional warm weather drink, jaljira. I love that she was generously sharing her culture with us, and I really wanted to like the drink. There is absolutely nothing similar in the U.S., to which I could compare it. The majority of the flavor seemed to come from the roasted cumin seeds, which is just not a flavor I am used to consuming in and icy-cold beverage. M & L took one sip and were both done. I kept drinking, because it is so different, and sometimes you just need to forge through the adjustment period, and strange new things become better. It will take more than a day to accustom my tastebuds to jaljira, though. I will keep trying. I don't ever want L to get the typical American attitude that all things American are good, and all things different are not good.

Okay, this movie is horrible. I'm depressed. I need to leave the room and go spend time with my cats upstairs. And it's times like this I can't help but think, if I believed there was a god of any type, and that thing created a world this cruel (nothing to do with sin of man and other such bullshit--the pure cruelty and misery of the 'circle of life') and nasty, there isn't a strong enough word or series of words to proclaim my complete and utter hatred and antipathy for such a foul being. Seriously, a being with all the power in the universe and this is the best he can come up with. Shit, I'll take over from here and actually do a decent job. My paltry little human brain can come up with at least 5,372 world configurations that would be better than this one. Worship me. I'm much smarter, kinder, and more worthy of worship. Plus, if you throw all your money at me, I will actually help others with it, not build giant blinking crosses and buttery touchdown jesuses.

Good night. Tomorrow is Monday. Oh joy.