Flashback

I got a call last week from Rock Prairie Montessori, where L attended KG, telling me I could come pick up her hand print tile. These tiles were up on a wall there, and they took them all down to redo the wall. Her hands have grown a lot in six years!

*B&W pics are from a collection of pics of my girls through the years that I'm going to put in my letterpress tray project;

I read an essay that Dej wrote and left saved on our desktop. I have read most of her academic writing this way since middle school, and through those rough, rough years, sometimes reading her thoughts was the only thing that gave us hope that there was a decent person in there, with a good brain, and she would emerge again someday. Now she has emerged, and I still enjoy reading her academic work, because she’s a good writer and I enjoy the little window into her brain. I am deeply fascinated by the brain (in general, but even more so my children’s) and consider the study of and quest to learn more about it one of my favorite hobbies.

The subject of this essay was on her own morals and values—what they are, how she acquired them, etc. It was very interesting and gave me much to think about. I have to admit, that reading that provided me with a feeling of being a successful parent (which is nice, because I’m usually focused on my shortcomings as a parent), and I was very pleased to walk away with confirmation of what I have been starting to suspect--despite my 9 billion shortcomings, my goals for my daughter have been realized, though she is still an evolving work in progress.

My goal as a parent has never included such things as my kids having a specific career, making a particular amount of money, achieving status (social status, marital status, or becoming a breeder), liking me, or even being happy. I realize with stating the last, other mothers are now gasping, thinking, “How could she not care if her child is happy?! What a beast!” Isn’t that what we are all supposed to want for our children? “I don’t care what she does as long as she’s happy.” (Usually followed by a self-satisfied sigh, knowing that such an unselfish wish will guarantee a spot in the perfect mother hall of fame.) If I were to include happiness on my list of what I wish for my children, the list that will make me feel like I have succeeded as a parent, it would definitely be the last item on the list, and the most optional item. Our culture has become far too selfishly focused on personal happiness, which is often achieved at the expense of others. I feel strongly that it is impossible to find true happiness when you are focused only on yourself and your pursuit of the ever elusive "happiness".

Like every other good/decent parent in the U.S., I am thrilled when my kids are happy. In fact, it is a constant struggle for me to not constantly interfere in an effort to make sure their lives are smooth, easy, and that they have everything that they desire. Happiness is great, but it is just not the single most important factor in a successful life. I’ve never tried to create a list of what I wanted for my children before, though I keep a running mental list. It strikes me now that perhaps having a tangible list created as a guideline and reminder of what matters might have been a good thing to have from birth to help keep our parenting focused on the right things. Here’s my first effort (in stream of consciousness and unedited):

1. Aware of and sensitive to the plights of all—not just those in her country, or social class, or species—and dedicated to help improve the lives of all beings they encounter.

2. Aware that they are better off than the majority of beings on this planet, and due to no effort of their own. It’s just sheer dumb luck that they happened to be born in the U.S., healthy, into a middle class, educated family with the means to nourish their minds and bodies. Because they have so much (and I don’t mean money, because we don’t have much of that at all), much is expected of them and service to others is mandatory.

3. Effective brain usage and life-long learning: They should understand how brains in general work and specifically how their own work and how they can improve their brain and mitigate its inherent flaws, and use it to its fullest capacity. For both of my girls, I will throw completing college in on this point. While college is not compatible with all brains, it is with theirs. Much like M & I, they have brains that flourish in the traditional learning environment and the best way for them to continue to develop their brains and maximize their potential to contribute to the world, college is the best fit. If their brains were different (not inferior, but wired differently) and did not flourish in that type of learning environment, college (at least a traditional four year) would not be the best choice for them. There are other effective ways to pursue knowledge and lifelong learning.

4. Independent thinkers: Question everything and believe nothing without verifying for yourself. The tools and means of validation are available to all of us. The power is yours! Use it! Hearing something on the news or from your parents or your teacher, reading something in a textbook—nothing should be immune from your own due diligence. Just because you read it or hear it or both does not indicate that it is true. Likewise, just because the majority of people believe something or because it’s the way things have always been done, does not remotely make it right. Take responsibility and find truth on your own. Evaluate all issues, even those that are typically hot-button, emotional issues, through the lens of logic and reason.

5. Be an active and engaged citizen. Be aware of local issues as well as global issues and participate to your fullest extent in the little bit of democracy that we have left. Do what you know to be the right thing, regardless of the law or the opinions of those around you.

Hmm. Could that be it? I thought I would have more than five when I started, but maybe this covers it all. Or maybe I’m missing things and will wake in the middle of the night to remember some really important items that I have to add to this list.

For now though, if my children achieve all five of these, I will feel that I have done my job well. If they can achieve these things and be happy (and the odds are definitely in their favor), that is a bonus. If they end up liking me and choosing to spend time with me, even better.