About Ben

L and I recently finished a book called, The Fifth Child, for our bedtime reading. I read aloud to her every night and try to select books a level or so above what she could comprehend on her own. Sometimes I hit and sometimes I miss with my selections. This one was a very good read and L was immersed in it, asking to start reading time early most nights, so we would have more time. Though short, it packed a lot of material in there that really makes you think and question. It’s been compared somewhat in theme to Frankenstein. Though it is nothing like Frankenstein in style, there are many similarities in the themes explored. Because this is a pet peeve of mine, I have to detour here to say that Frankenstein is not a horror story about a monster. If you haven’t yet read this book, you should! It’s quite powerful and thought provoking.

I don’t want to share too much of the book, because I’m hoping you’ll read it for yourself, and I don’t want to spoil it (I would be happy to loan it out). This book is primarily from the perspective of David & Harriet, the (irresponsible breeder) parents of Ben, who is their fifth child. Born into a seemingly perfect, happy family, he is strange/unusual/evil (it’s up to us to decide what he is and how we feel about it) and proceeds to destroy everything they have built. While L and I absolutely loathed David & Harriet, we also loathed Ben. He clearly did not fit into or belong in the world in which we live, and there’s no indication that he ever could.

The parents’ relationship with one another, with their other four children, and with their family and community are shattered as a result of Ben’s existence. The themes/questions invoked are those that make us uncomfortable to explore and discuss, probably because there isn’t a “right” answer, an easy answer, or any type of win-win scenario that emerges as a solution to problems of this nature. Like Frankenstein, it explores the nature and responsibility of the parent (creator) to the child (“monster” or Ben). What is to be done if you create a child/being that you cannot parent? What is your responsibility if the child/being you created/taken responsibility for poses a tremendous threat to the world at large? What is to be done if nobody can or chooses to parent? What is your responsibility if the child will never be able to function in this world—is it kinder to put them out of their misery or to allow them a lifetime of unmitigated misery? What is your responsibility to your existing other children, if one child poses a tremendous threat to their well-being and their very lives? How does a person resolve such split loyalties? Further, these questions can be applied to society at large and the many social problems that we struggle with as a result of these misfits—not all of whom, but many of whom are very dangerous to others and always will be. I was pleased with the conversations that this spurred between L and me. We usually needed a ten-minute chat time after our reading each night to process what we read and how we felt about it.

We are now reading the sequel to this book, Ben in the World**. This book explores Ben’s life as an independent teen and then an adult. He is truly alone and miserable. This is our first exposure to Ben’s inner world, and we found our opinions of Ben dramatically changed with this book. We haven’t yet reached the halfway point of the book, so we may change our minds again before it’s over. I’m intrigued with the author’s skill at really taking from one viewpoint to the other. Throughout the first book, we really felt that Ben should be eliminated. In this book however, I suddenly feel very sympathetic to Ben and his plight of being something he clearly has no choice in or control over. Suddenly I want to protect Ben, rather than kill him. L hasn’t brought up her feelings yet about that topic. I tend to wait for her to bring up issues or questions and respond to them. I don’t want to influence her thoughts or feelings by stating mine first.

**NOTE: This book had a couple of short sex scenes that I didn’t read aloud to L, just in case anyone is considering reading this with a child. They are not particularly graphic or nasty, but L is not comfortable with that and would prefer not to hear it. I knew the book contained these portions, because my girlfriend who gave me the books is a literature professor (she covered them in a class) warned me before I read them to L. I just compressed the two or three paragraphs down to, “They had sex.” The scenes were in no way gratuitous and did serve to advance the characters/plot, but the book still reads as complete without them.

Strangely enough, I found some of the themes, particularly those addressing parental split loyalties, applicable to some of the cat issues I’ve been struggling with. When one has committed to raise and protect multiple dependent beings, and the best interests of each of these beings are at odds with one another, what can be done? What if you’re really faced with a zero-sum game: Only one of two can be happy—how does one choose who to save and who to throw under the bus?

Some of our cats are clearly miserable as a result of the twins’ (Basil and Charlie) tendency to pick and tease relentlessly. I have done everything I can to mitigate this situation and try to find solutions that allow everyone to feel safe and happy. One of the solutions is that Basil & Charlie are confined to the cat room when we are gone for a stretch of time (more than 3-4 hours), which gives the other cats a little break and safety from the twins. Fortunately, the twins don’t remotely mind being confined to the cat room, and happily run right into it when they are called. This hasn’t solved the problem though, and I can’t help wondering if Jasper, Petey, and Ivan resent me, as David & Harriet’s children did for their inability to completely protect them from Ben. I spend a lot of time running interference, preventing issues, and stressing about this situation. I also spend a lot of time hoping that the boys will grow out of it—they are only two years old now, so they are still very much youngsters. What if they don’t outgrow it? Can I continue to patrol my home, jumping up every three to ten minutes all day and night to run interference for someone and periodically separating them for a duration of years? I’m exhausted and distressed over the last year. Like David, M is much less forgiving than I, and tends to describe the twins’ behavior as “mean and evil”, where I tend to see it as “immature, inappropriate play”. I certainly don’t have the answers, but I will continue to do my best and explore every angle and possible solution.

As difficult as it is to be a “cat mommy” in this situation, my heart absolutely breaks for the parents of human children who are living this nightmare. How do they deal with one child who poses a mortal threat to their other children and/or themselves? What about if the threat is that of permanent emotional damage, robbing the children of a childhood? I have seen and read stories of these people. I remember one in particular where one child, who was only 9 or 10, was extraordinarily out of control and dangerous to those around her. The parents ended up maintaining an apartment, along with their home, and they took turns living there with the problem child while the other parent stayed at home with the other kids. What a tragedy for all that this was the best possible solution for them. How fortunate for them that they could make it with the additional expense of another household. Many parents would not/do not have that option, and then what?