Two big days in a row

Yesterday was the third anniversary of my friend's suicide.  It was technically considered suicide, but in reality, it was murder.  His brothers worked very hard to campaign, coerce, and torment him, knowing he was in a very vulnerable state.  They wanted him dead, and they succeeded.  I miss him every single day, and I'm still so angry with his "family", who knowingly pushed him into this.  I've spent three years waiting for some kind of justice--minimally, hoping their (corrupt) family business would fold, but there remains no justice in this world.  He's gone, they completely ignored his death, and have continued on with their lives.  I know this anger isn't good for me, but I have not yet been able to get past it.

We gathered last night (outside at a distance) on our patio to have our annual celebration of PK (Patrick Finnegan), and it was very nice.  It was a beautiful night, with lovely weather, and a fire kept

the mosquitoes from joining us.  After all he had gone through, at the end, he was really struggling with mental illness, and there were three friends left standing.  Yes, he was getting to be a bit stressful, but other than a small group of us, the rest of his friends and relatives abandoned him.  People struggling with mental illness are not the easiest to deal with, but they still need people in their corner.  Each year since his death, the three of us have gathered to remember him, and we will continue to do so.

After his death, I got a tattoo to memorialize him (on my leg).  I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a design that included things that were really significant to us over the years. I was initially planning to get a little color touch up this summer, but it will have to wait until things have settled down.

Today I had an outing.  I was really stressed about leaving the house.  I really haven't left the house since March when the lockdown started.  I've had a few vet appointments since then, but Mark has gone with me. Of course we have daily dog walks, but I'm not really leaving the animals, so that doesn't count.  I enjoy being home, and leaving is tough, because of the animals.  When I do leave, I have very limited windows of time that I can be gone, so it tends to be easier just to stay home.  The longer I go without leaving, the harder it is to leave.  I spent a couple of hours on my friend's big deck, overlooking Lake Koshkonong.  It was very pleasant, and despite being stressed about driving and being away from home, I'm glad I went to catch up with Julie.  She is in her 70's and lives alone, so she was especially happy to have a little company.

Since COVID, I've only seen my parents and daughter a handful of times, and always outside at a distance.  I'm torn about it.  I know both sides are lying.  Yes, there's a virus that can kill people or do long-term damage, but they are definitely hyping and exaggerating for control and to set up the new fascist normal that we're moving into.  I trust absolutely nothing from either side and nothing that mainstream media feeds us.  That said, the sad reality is that my heart and lungs have issues and my auto immune disorder puts me at risk, so I've taken the lockdown very seriously.

COVID, like everything else in life, has brought both positives and negatives.  While I miss seeing family and friends (and having reliable income), it has given me time to really focus on and improve my health.  As a fit vegan who has eaten well and worked out for years, my health (even with the autoimmune crap) is better than most Americans', but there's always room for improvement.  The gifts it brought include:

• Going caffeine free!  I have not had any caffeine in any form since mid March.  That's the longest I've gone in my entire adult life with no caffeine.
• Meditation habit:  I have made daily meditation (at least 20 minutes) a habit that I start every single day with.
• Wim Hof habit:  I don't need caffeine to jump start my mornings, because the Wim Hof breathing session I do every morning provides me with lots of energy that helps throughout the entire day.  The icy showers are also a part of my daily ritual that I've really grown to love.  They have helped a lot with my chronic pain.
• Mark's fitness:  Mark has worked out with me every evening since the beginning of April.  I'm happy to have a workout partner and thrilled that he is getting fit and improving his health.
• Earlier bedtime and better eating habits:  I've done intermittent fasting for years, which works great for my body.  I adjusted my eating window from 7PM-midnight back to 3PM-8PM and am in bed by 11 PM.  Eating earlier has helped with sleep and some of my stomach issues.
• More time home with the animals!  They've never been happier.