Let's take a minute

to think about Daniel Shaull. Do you know Daniel? I don't know him. Never seen him. Never talked to him. Never even heard his name until this weekend. He's dominated my mental space since then though. I didn't want to write about him, but he won't leave me alone. Maybe if I give him his moment, he will let me relax and think about more pleasant things.

I became aware of Daniel's existence only after his death yesterday. Daniel died because he couldn't stop knowing things. It's the same thing that drives us all to varying levels of insanity. The damn knowing. The pictures that keep running through your head while you're trying to play with your kids or watching a funny movie with your parents. The knowledge while I'm there with my family, cozy, relaxing, they are in terror and agony that is far beyond words. The knowledge that some of the people I love, who are in the room with me laughing, are directly contributing to the problem(s).

Daniel's dad didn't understand how knowing affected Daniel. He simplified and dismissed Daniel's final battle by attributing it to a mental health issue. Some have characterized him as a terrorist. Daniel realized that no matter how much he did, even if he spent every waking moment devoted only to trying to fix it, that it would never even make a dent in the suffering. The absolute despair that crushes the soul once that realization sinks in and takes hold. It hurts too much to go on. The knowing how it is, how it will continue to be is ... too damn much.

Did Daniel have mental health issues, as his father states? How could he not? Have you ever seen the terror in the eyes of the beings who are crowded in absolutely filthy, tiny cages? The noise in there from hundreds, or thousands, of animals stacked in a barn or garage or warehouse? The screams of pain as they are electrocuted and skinned (while still alive)? The screams of the other beings watching this happen, knowing the same fate awaited them in the near future? The smells? The sounds? Sheer agony. Are you strong enough to even watch a video of what Daniel knew? That would at least spare you the noise (truly not the same on video!) and the smell. Some people are able to stop knowing things like that. I don't understand that as I'm not one of those people. Neither was Daniel.

Did he self-medicate with illegal drugs? Maybe. Not really relevant, though. I'm learning slowly and painfully to accept the fact that heros don't have to be perfect. They never are. They are just people after all. I always want my heroes to be perfect. I Know they can't be, but I work hard to believe that they are. Daniel's flaws and weaknesses do not invalidate everything else about him.

I don't know anything about Daniel's personal life and issues, other than what I've read over the past couple of days. I don't need to know. I don't know Daniel's reasons for deciding to end his life at 26 yesterday. I only know he made a choice that day that he would end his life. Specifically, that he would end his life by going to Ungar's Furs in Portland, OR, dousing himself in gasoline, and lighting himself on fire. He used his voice to cry out that they're DYING--animals are DYING! I hear the pain in his final screams--not the physical pain, the pain of knowing and being unable to ever un-know.

Daniel was new to Portland and wasn't know by or "plugged in" to the AR community at all. I'm sad that he didn't have the support and friendship of those in the AR community. It may have helped him deal with some issues differently. I know that a big topic of discussion right now is who is "claiming" Daniel versus who is "denying" him. I'm not going to do either. I'm just going to say that I HEARD him. I heard that he was willing to burn himself alive in order to get attention and an audience for his message. I recognize the courage it took for him to do what he did. Daniel wanted to make his death count; I am doing what I can to help him achieve that. I'm asking you to just take a minute to think about Daniel, a courageous but tortured soul. He lived. He suffered. He took a stand. Alone. He died. He counted.

Please take a stand against fur! Don't wear it and speak out to let others know how cruel and unecessary fur, in ALL forms, truly is!

I can pretty much guarantee that none of my blog readers' wear fear--not coats or wraps anyway. I do have to interject here that the desperate fur makers, losing business in droves (because the majority of the public doesn't approve of the cruelty and it isn't too inconvenient to give up!) has started to get sneaky with their fur. It's being used in more items as trim lining (for hoods, mittens, etc.), and people don't really notice. Please watch for these sneaky fur infiltrations!