VeganMom...stumbling through life

Pics are from our little family gathering for Dej's birthday last week. She was cuddling Charlie, who decided he was obsessed with chewing on her necklace (she had catnip insdie the locket). It was a nice day. The cats enjoyed some catnip from the garden. Grandpa gave Dej a shoulder massage. Then L brought out all of the magnets from her science kit. That kept the family busy for quite some time!

L started dance camp yesterday and will be going all week. Because it’s in Middleton, I’ve altered my work hours on M-W (I don’t work on Th & Fri) to accommodate the drop off and pickup. In addition to the schedule change, I have a passenger during the commute that I am not used to having. Deviations from my normal routine are very stressful for me. I don’t like them at all and like them even less in the mornings.

On one hand, it’s nice to have her with me that little extra time in the car. On the other hand, I lose my quiet transition time, where I get to listen to books on CD and enjoy a little downtime. Also, with her in the car, I cannot drive quite as …uh…energetically as I normally do when I’m alone. I consoled myself in the loss of my book on CD by reminding myself how nice it would be to have the extra chat time with my girl (except that I HATE chatting with anyone in the morning and have to work very, very hard to be civil with people before 11).

She’s not a morning person either, though, so Monday morning she brought her iPod. She didn’t bring her headphones, however, but instead brought her iCat (a speaker) so she could play HER iPod music in the car. Instead of my lovely book, which was calling to me, or one of the music cds played over the infinitely better car speakers, I listened to her flip through her music on the iCat (NOT a high quality sound system!)—skipping most of the good songs. She did play some Prince at least.

This morning, she decided (all on her own) not to bring her iPod. We listened to a Marilyn (Manson) cd.

The change to the routine has me feeling very off throughout the work day. I will be glad when the week is over and I can return to my normal routine. Though, I have enjoyed having her on the ride home. We talk the whole time, and it's nice. I will miss that!

When I dropped her at camp yesterday, she was a little nervous and a lot excited. I was very nervous and remained so throughout the whole day. I was even more stressed than I was during her College for Kids camp week. She’s done that before, where this is a completely new entity for us. I keep reminding myself that she’s closer to me in Madison than she was in town, but still… It’s new. What if she needs something and doesn’t feel comfortable speaking up about it? What if she gets hungry because her lunch didn’t fill her up? I can spend an entire day coming up with scenarios that might be unpleasant for her, so I can watch the clock and feel tortured. This stuff is so much more traumatic for me than for her.

Today was much better for me. I barely worried about her during the day. I couldn't wait to go pick her up to hear about her day. I really like the ride back home. Her chatting about her fun day and giggling took my mind off the idiot drivers on the Interstate.

I am NOT a helicopter parent! I sound like one…eeeww. I hide my inner ‘helicopterness’ from her very well, because I do want her to approach new experiences with excitement. I do want her to fully live her life and have relationships that exist outside of her immediately family (among whom I count our very close friends). I just wish I or my mother could be hiding quietly somewhere watching, just to make sure if she needs something, we’re there. What if she needs something and nobody is there for her??!! The thought of that makes me sick.

Dej needed that kind of mother when she was younger, but L does not. I have to remind myself constantly that she is not that child and doesn't need that mother.

Here's a random thought (because I'm killing time waiting for my girl to finish up her playtime with the herbivores, so we can read). M has about 3-4 nights a year that he has trouble sleeping. Because he's not used to it, it's extra horrible and traumatic for him. I sleep well about 1 night a month, and the rest of the nights basically consist of lots of little catnaps. Almost without fail, the nights M can't sleep occur on one of the few nights I do. He's used to me always being up at night, so he will repeatedly start talking to me without thinking, which of course wakes me up. On a normal night, I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, but on those nights, I can. Last night was one of those nights. I was barely holding my eyes open at 11:30, and that NEVER happens. He was up for a few hours beyond that and kept talking to me, but I really wasn't with it. It's so ridiculous that it works that way and seems odd to me. Any other night I would be absolutely giddy to have his company (while awake) for that many hours, particularly in the long lonely night hours. How is it possible that our timing is that unlucky?