VeganMom...stumbling through life

I am struggling with and finding ironic the change in the power balance between myself and my ‘adult’ daughter. My child used to cling to me, viewing much of the world from her safe spot behind me, while holding on to my leg for dear life. That same child needed to be physically dragged and forced to try anything new or remotely adventurous. The little girl who needed me all the time is now on her own, trying to make her own way in the world. While I’m thrilled that she has shown more responsibility and self-sufficiency than we thought her capable of, in all honesty I’m a bit sad about it too. I definitely didn’t want her to fail. I just wanted her to need me a little bit more than she has. I had certain expectations of how it would be when she moved out. She would need to call me for everything. I would need to manage her life from her, so she remembered things like paying bills on time. She would frequently need to borrow money from me to make it to her next payday and/or to pay bills on time. This is the way it has been. This is the way it would continue to be. Except that it hasn’t continued to be that way.

Now the girl who we couldn’t motivate to do anything on her own, suddenly needs to do everything on her own. She’s turning down my money and my help in favor of her own growth. I was not ready for this. I bought her a shirt. She insisted on paying me back. No! It’s one lousy shirt, and I bought Luce some clothes, too. She left the money on my counter. Oh yay! She did allow me to purchase and make framed pictures of our cats for her apartment, because she misses them so much. She bought her own vacuum cleaner—doesn’t need my extra one. She does allow me to send leftovers and goodies back with her. I had to make my case to prove to her that I should be able to pay for her monthly Internet provider (it’s necessary for college and therefore a college expense). Is this a brilliant scam—take, take, take whenever you can, then suddenly refuse to take anything without paying for it on your own and people will beg you to take from them? “Ooh! Pick me!! Take my money. No, I insist!” For the record, I don’t think it is, but it would be brilliantly played if it were a scam. ; )

That’s enough to completely throw me off balance, but there is more. I’m at a point in my life where I would have guaranteed that I have moved beyond the immaturity of jealousy and possessiveness, until recently. Now I’m like a lovesick teen waiting by the phone wondering when she’s going to call or visit. “No, I can’t make any plans for that day, because Dej just might decide to call or pay me a visit”. When she and Joe come on the weekends, I have to split that time with her job, Joe’s mom, and their friends. For the past two weekends I have caught myself in the new low of mentally calculating how much time was spent with me and how much time was with Joe’s mom, because god knows I better come out ahead or I am going to have to have a chat with Joe’s mom about being too possessive and needy. Also thinking of ways to lure her to spend more time at my house (make favorite foods, favorite treats, take her shopping, make her feel guilty). Really, this is insane. This is not how mentally well people think. Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life waiting for my daughter and hoping she will allow me to take care of her and provide for her sometimes? How long WILL it take for me to adjust to the ‘new order’ and return to sanity? It’s just ridiculous to reach this advanced age and still be so knocked off balance and confused! I definitely prefer to be the party with the most power in a relationship--not liking this end of things at all.