I hurt.

I am not liking this week at all, and it’s only Monday! Today was supposed to be my first day back at work. So when the alarm went off at the god-awful early time of the morning that I have to get up for work, I wanted to weep. I’m not a morning person on my best days but on my first day of having to be up early, I was tired and have a cold (which I got this weekend), it was especially hard and unpleasant. I threw myself together and then had the chore or dragging Luciana out of bed. We came downstairs and fed the cats, and I mixed up Scraps’ morning meal. The news mentioned a bad semi accident on the Interstate, leaving only one lane, so of course traffic was bogged down. Was not looking forward to having to deal with that mess. As I walked into the birdroom to feed Scraps, my heart sank. She was lying on the floor splayed out in a way that indicated that she wasn’t in control of at least some of her limbs.

She had weakened over the weekend but was still spunky and eating voraciously yesterday. I estimated after yesterday’s feeding that she would probably make it until Thursday and would then be degraded enough that she needed release. This condition, however, was unacceptable. She was no longer spunky or mobile, or able to stand on her own. I e-mailed work to let them know I would be in late and called the vet to schedule the euthanasia. It was a very busy morning at the vet, as Mondays often are, and the first available appointment was about two hours later. It turned out to be a nice window of time that we could spend together. She was still eating her apple but needed me to hold it up at an angle that she could get at. I moved her to the couch, wrapping her with a blanket, as she was a little cool. We snuggled and enjoyed each other for the last time until it was time to leave for our appointment. She lay next to me, cheek to cheek, and I took in her now very distinctive smell—her abscess, combined with her beloved green glop I’ve been hand feeding her, the apples she lives for, and her medication make for a scent that I now associate with Scraps—knowing that my life would soon have a huge empty spot. Again.

When the time came, L. and I took her to her last visit to Dr. Nelson. She didn't seem anxious or frightened. Doc gave her the pre-death sedative, so she could go to her happy place and be pain free before she moved on. We had a little time to snuggle with her between the sedative and the final dose. L. brought her apple slices from home, and I held her apple up to her so she could chomp away. She enjoyed that apple immensely and ate until the sedative made her too sleepy to swallow and she started to drool. Doc came back in and we held our happily sedated girl and told her how much we loved her until she left her tiny, diseased body. We brought her home, so we can bury her in the garden with a special tree planted over her as our reminder of her far-too-short life.

I then dropped L. off at my mom's and left for work. The commute gave me plenty of time to do more crying. I had the passing thought that at least I missed the cluster fuck due to the semi accident that I would have had to deal with had I gone in at my normal time. I could not believe it, when I saw the lane closure signs in the area where the accident occurred. So much for my 'luck'. At that very moment, they had lots of people and vehicles trying to haul the semi with two mangled trailers out of the median. It gave me a little more time to cry before I had to face people at work.

My first day back at work ended up being only three hours, but it was more than enough. My time mostly consisted of reading all the e-mail messages that had accumulated during my absence and meeting with my co-worker who took over my audit duties while I was gone. I was pleased to find that things were in pretty good shape. I had a few questions to answer and will have to jump back in tomorrow, but today was pretty uneventful. I was pleased to see that not only did Terrance keep everything going well with the audits, but he even added some improvements to my code, so it's better than it was when I left it. He's awesome! I worked hardest this afternoon at trying to keep it together and not think too much about Scraps. I lost it a few times, though and got very weepy. One time I looked down and noticed for the first time that Scraps had drooled her apple down the front of my shirt and fell apart. Fortunately there was only a half hour left before I could leave, so I went to the bathroom to clean up my face again and pulled it together enough to finish my work day and make it to the stairwell before I fell apart again.

No matter how many I lose or how small they are, it just doesn't make it one bit easier. It still hurts just as bad as the first time. Each time it is a unique loss--a wonderful little being who is completely unique and original and can never be replaced. I still think about and miss every single one that I've lost.

On the way home from work, I was passing someone on the Interstate, and I looked over to see it was my friend, Julie. She is 'the rabbit lady'. She convinced me to adopt my first rabbit, Pinkerton, 20 years ago and has been my rabbit advisor since then. It just struck me as an odd coincidence that I was sitting in my car, crying over Scrappers, and I look to my right and see a good friend who is my 'rabbit person'. I haven't talked to her yet, but I'm betting she was in Madison taking one of her rabbits to the UW and on her way home.

We actually had a delightful week/weekend, and I'll share more of that tomorrow. I just needed today to process my Scraps loss.