Today I'm dirty. I want to be pretty. Tomorrow I know I'm just dirt.

I struggle with maintaining my compassion for most humans. I've mentioned this before. I would love to live in a world where nobody suffered, ever. That's clearly not a reality though. That being said, I have a passion for justice and fairness, and those two very powerful feelings often cause me a lot of painful conflict. Now is one of those times. There's a very real part of me that doesn't want to see a single individual suffer from swine flu (or H1N1 now). It's tragic and it hurts me deeply to think that people are suffering with this--both from the actual virus and from the fear of the virus.

At the same time, there's this whole justice thing that creeps up. I catch myself thinking (and saying) that it more than serves the fucking corpse eaters right. Yep, this, like the previous scare of the bird flu is a direct result of vile animal husbandry practices. These animals are packed in small, confined areas, in extremely poor health, regularly pumped full of antibiotics and other drugs and chemicals, and forced to suffer every rotten minute of their lives, until they are gloriously released from that hell by a painful and frightening final slaughtering. Everything about the way animals are farmed for their flesh is disgusting, abusive, and just plain wrong. The fact that every blue moon, humans pay an obvious price (contrasted with the less-obvious but common health conditions that result from eating meat and dairy) for their cruel lust for flesh really makes me happy. But it also makes me sad. WTF?!? It's very confusing for me. Bottom line is that I feel that every flesh eater, who has a choice to NOT eat other living beings (which is all of us in developed countries at least) but they chose too anyway, deserves to suffer the same painful life and death that they endorse by participating in that lifestyle.

Sounds harsh. Feels harsh. If they all suffered what I believe they deserve, I would feel sadness and pain beyond belief. But that would be justice. That's the kind of thinking that has me on a constant cycle of vacillation between my pity, sympathy, empathy and my desire for justice. I say again, if you're an animal-killing flesh eater and you're reading this, I probably love you and would do almost anything for you. What's mine is yours and if you feel pain, so do I. That being said, you deserve to suffer every single painful ignominy that you condone for animals. Sorry, but I've never been one to mince words.

My oldest daughter is terribly frightened of this flu. She is absolutely unrealistically fearful of it. I went through a very similar stage at around her age, and I remember the terror. It kills me that she feels that way. SHE has never eaten animal flesh. She does not and would not ever hurt or condone hurting animals. She doesn't deserve to suffer any consequences as a result of assholes who farm animals with no compassion. My child hurts, and that makes me mean as hell. I'm just bitter about this whole mess.

Sunday afternoon, I will be attending the funeral of my friend and personal hero, Helene Dwyer. She's been an inspiration to me throughout her life and death. I am so happy, for Helene, that she's gone. Her suffering is done, and my god that woman suffered in a way that nobody ever should--especially her. She lived her entire life with the goal of making the world better for all beings. She contributed more positivity to this world than most humans, by far. Anybody who talked to her, no matter what the subject, walked away feeling cared about and wishing to be just a little bit better of a person. The good that Helene has done for animals is unfathomable, both with her direct action and with her beautiful influence on others. It's not right that she suffered the way she did with her hideous killer - ALS. Even after knowing what she would go through, Helene would have gladly volunteered to suffer with ALS if she thought it would save or help another being. That's the kind of woman she was. She was a rare treasure. I was lucky to have known her and hope that I've become a little bit better as a result. This world was lucky to have had her for the 68 way-too-brief time that she was here. My world and the world of so many humans and animals is infinitely darker without her.

I learned something this morning about Helene, when reading her lovely obituary. Somehow it felt like a little last gift from her. I never knew her middle name. It's just not a topic that people generally discuss. Her middle name was Lucy. My daughter, who was actually named for my grandma (another great woman), will also have the privilege of sharing her name with Helene, and it will always be a little reminder for me and I hope an inspiration to try to be a little more like Helene.

I got a little time outside in the garden tonight after my class. It was very restorative for me. I weeded out probably over 100 maple volunteers, quite a few boxwoods, and some locusts. The weeds are doing fantastically in the garden. I'm already behind on weeding. I really don't remember having this many weeds this early in the year. The quantity of dandelions are disheartening! I do enjoy weeding, but it's just a little overwhelming to see so many so soon.



The magnolia continues to bud and flower




The weeping katsura is starting to leaf out






The bleeding hearts are starting to bloom






The pulmonarias are blooming





The weeping white birch is leafing out

Two on Tuesday

More of what's blooming. It's not the topic because I'm lazy this week, though, it's because I'm so excited about watching the garden come alive, bit by bit. I really enjoy the daily walks to see what's new each day. We have so much coming up, it was hard to choose just two.


1. Daffodils again. We have many, many varieties of daffodils--they are one of my favorite bulbs. I caught some shots today of some of the more unusual varieties. Unfortunately many of them were beaten up pretty badly in the rain, so some are a little mud speckled and tired looking. They're still beautiful to me.

2. Tulips. The critters don't leave too many of these in the ground for me, but I'm happy with their leftovers. After all, who could pass up something as delectably tasty and nutritious as tulip bulbs over the long, cold winter.

My date-night surprise on Saturday consisted of us having dinner at Dobhan and going to see the UW Madison's Mad Hatters performance. We braved the chilly, rainy weather and went to Madison after dropping L. & Chloe off at my parents' for the night.

We enjoyed dinner at Dobhan, a Nepalese restaurant with many of the same dishes we love at Chautura. I didn't make it through my dinner, so I brought it home in a box to enjoy later. I had dal, samosas, vegetable pakaudas, and the entree, masala dosa. My mouth watered just typing that! Our server was very entertaining and most likely quite stoned. I loved his hair--long and wavy, pulled back into a pony, and a casual bun. We left there and headed to the Overture Center for the performance (I still had no idea what we were seeing). It was raining. It's been a rough weekend for my hair, but more on that later.

Neither of us knew that the first act of the show was Marcus Monroe. He came out onto the stage juggling, and I'm thinking, "really?" So he continued his act which was surprisingly very cool. He did some really amazing shit. Some of it was very stressful and way too dangerous for me to feel comfortable watching. It was extremely impressive though. He's a very talented and entertaining man who has clearly worked very hard at his passion. We especially enjoyed him juggling funky stuff with lights on it, on a dark stage with techno music cranked up. We could have watched that for much longer than he performed it! After the intermission, the Mad Hatters performed.

The show was very fun. There was a nice assortment of music, and the guys were very good. There were a couple that we really enjoyed--strangely enough--they both sported rather unique moustaches and sideburns. One of the guys did some awesome beatboxing. We were really glad we went. The drive home was no fun--it was very dark and rainy--poor Mark! It was definitely a great night that was worth the less than fun drive.

Back to the hair. I'm still pretty traumatized about the hair. It happened on Friday. While dialoging with my new (first visit, though Dej has gone to her since Jen moved away) beautician about how to cut my hair, I went along with bangs. It was fully my decision, however I was feeling old, bored, in need of a change. Bangs seemed like a good idea at the time. After Jenny cut the bangs, I looked in the mirror and got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, "wtf was I thinking?!?" Too late. I quickly came to grips with the thought that, "it's only hair. It will grow back." When I left the salon, I thought the hair was cute, but I didn't feel that I looked like, "me" at all. I just looked strange. Not bad or good, just WAY different. I haven't had bangs for about 18 years. The humid rainy weather we've had along with the hotflashes that increase with the warm weather, have reminded me quickly why I haven't had bangs for so long. They want to be very, very curly. In very strange directions. I can no longer get up, spend three minutes on my hair, and leave the house. It requires about 15 minutes to straighten the bangs, but there's no real guarantee that they'll cooperate. I wanted different, and I certainly got it. The hair and I will come to some agreement in the near future. We just need a little adjustment time.

We're currently watching a movie (Netflix) called, "The Jacket", with Adrian Brody. I keep getting sidetracked from my blogging, and this movie is freaking me the hell out. My chest hurts from being empathetic to his horrible claustrophobic situation. UGH! I must go so I can get fully absorbed in this movie!

Sweet & Sara...

My new best friend. The box of organic vegan nirvana arrived today. I sampled my goodies, and am giddy with joy over such wonderful deliciousness! L. got to taste her first marshmallow, which she pronounced to be "pretty good." I will definitely be ordering many, many packages from S & S! Oh, and the marshmallows can be roasted over a fire--they melt nicely--and we can make S'mores. It's probably warm enough that we won't be using the fireplace again until fall, but we will be roasting them over the fire on our first camping trip of the year. It's just a little sad and pathetic that I get this happy over food!

I went to the first farmer's market of the year today with my girlfriends at work. We went early--10:30 was the first time that we were all meeting-free and able to go. There isn't much there yet this time of year, but I found some organic greens for Fergus & Fiona (our rabbits), who will be really, really happy in a few minutes when L & I go in to read with them and give them their bedtime treats.

This is the time of year that I really enjoy walking through our gardens every day to see what's coming up. The birds outside are also very busy building nests, and I am hoping we have a few that we can watch again this year. This bench is where L & I will be doing much of our homeschooling over the next two days, as the weather is supposed to be absolutely beautiful--in the 70's and sunny, which is how I wish every day was.

My girl is done with her dinner finally (though she started late, as we let her play outside with H. until it started to get dark). It's time to go make the bunnies very happy with their greens and finish our Trixie Belden book. I'll tuck her and Chloe in for the night, and then I'll enjoy a little Dexter with my man and Daisy & Jezebel and whichever of the cats decide to pile on the couches with all of us. I will also dig into some of my S & S treats and that should help console me in my grief over not having a new LOST tonight. >:-(

Two on Tuesday

My brain was sucked absolutely dry at work today. So as I was staring slack-jawed at my screen, wondering how I could get my brain to come up with two things, inspiration hit. My vacant stare wandered around the room to...tah dah...the Netflix dvds on the entertainment center that we're watching this week.

Our two current Netflix dvds are:

1. Dexter Season 2 - I never would have selected this, but our friends Rick & Lynn (very smart vegans) recommended it. It's very interesting and unique. It's about at my threshhold for violence, but the justice theme makes the violence bearable. It has certainly led me to some interesting thoughts and contemplations. I like that it has caused me to look at things from such a different perspective and it's entertaining my brain for now, so we'll keep watching.

2. Absolutely Fabulous (Season 1, I think, but I'm too lazy to get up and walk over to look at it) - I have seen these all several times, but still enjoy them immensely.

And I'll post a completely unrelated picture, since I'm stuck waiting for Mark to finish drawing, so we can watch one of our shows. Here's my baby with her baby.

desolate

Chloe likes some of the cats more than others. She especially likes Jasper and Oliver. She likes the kittens, too, but she likes this little gray guy the best, probably because he doesn't hiss at her as much as the others do. Chloe has also met Jezebel and Daisy, close up. We all piled on the couches and hung out for several peaceful hours. The frequent butt sniffing was irritating after a while, but I finally told Mark to stop it...LOL! Okay, really Daisy was the big butt sniffer (big surprise), but she stopped after a few "Ceasar corrections". No fights, which was I'm really pumped about. We will have no problems integrating Chloe into the "pack".

We are still trying to find a home worthy of this <--- little sweetie, but the white and gray boys (the twins) went to their new home this weekend. I'm horrifically depressed and can't stop crying. This is why I can't foster kittens. I will definitely miss them, but that's not really what kills me. It's the breaking up of a very happy family that keeps me up at night. It's the sound of their mommy calling for them, as we put them in the carrier and took them out the door. It's the image of them so very small and confused, being left in the middle of the floor with strangers, wondering where the only family (cats and humans) that they've ever known has gone and why they just dumped them. It's Sparta's questioning eyes and trill, because she can't find her babies--the babies she keeps looking for and calling for. I know the kittens are in a good home, and eventually they will forget their lost family and will be happy with their new family. It's just that that's not enough to erase the other knowledge that will stay with me forever.

Progress

The pile is shrinking. Our bodies are aching.

We worked fast and furious on chores this morning, as this afternoon we had plans and tomorrow (Sunday) Mark & Luce will be going to visit with his side of the family, while Dej and I take two of the kittens to their new home in Pecatonica. I cry every single time I think about it, and realistically expect to be a disfunctional mess tomorrow (and probably for a lot longer than that).

We went to Madison to see Stomp this afternoon. Mark and I and my parents got each other tickets for xmas. The hard part was waiting almost four months to actually go use our xmas present. The four of us and Luciana went. Dej had to work, of course. It was a fantastic show, and I think we all enjoyed it. It was well worth the money and the wait! I would definitely go see it again.

When we returned from the show, literally the minute we walked in the door, Hunter called to ask if he could come over to play. While Mark and I tried to finish up more chores, and I cooked dinner, L & H got busy setting up their cat village. They can play for hours and hours and hours with her cat figurines and wood building blocks.

Our first species tulips are up and looking gorgeous in the front yard. I'm anxiously watching to see when the rest of them open. I love their bright cheerful flowers. We also have lots more daffodils open with many more in bud. Most of the roses are coming back nicely as well. There is one that looks questionable, which isn't surprising. It was one that we just planted last year, and we didn't get it covered at all.

We really enjoyed our rewatch of LOST last night! Favorite lines from the show--Hurley: "You're just jealous my powers are better than yours.", and Miles: "That douche is my dad." That must be my juvenile humor surfacing again, but you just can't overuse the word douche. It's timeless.

L has been creating with clay again. She knows I like owls, so she made me this adorable little guy.

I feel the need to kick somebody. Anybody. Volunteers?

These are some of the cute boxes that I got from my etsy jewelry from Mussara's. I had to line these up on a shelf together, because they're so cute. I'm really liking these colors together lately (the reds and oranges), although they do not remotely match my blue bedroom. I can live with it for now, though it will probably start to annoy me eventually, and I'll have to find them a new location. At the moment, though, I like to look at them from my bed.

I'm having a very bad mood day. I'm not usually in a bad mood with weather this perfectly beautiful, but I just got my ass kicked by a bunch of stuff today, and I haven't been able to pull back out of my funk yet. Maybe rewatching LOST in a little bit with my husband will help. Maybe not. At least Dej is here tonight, though she's working until 2:00 this morning. I will most likely still be up by then, and it will be nice to have some time to hang with her.

I spent most of the day grading homework (haven't even started grading exams yet!) and shoveling shit. We did get a lot of compost moved. I did something very bad to my neck, though, and I'm totally feeling like an old woman. Can't turn my head or move my left arm without excruciating pain. I ended up calling off our homeschooling work today, because of my mood and her 'tude. It just wasn't a productive combo.

Everything I start to type tonight turns into bitching, so I will just stop here. There's a rockin' episode of LOST and a mango Smirnoff calling my name!

Garden gold

Mushroom compost. We had 12 yards delivered this morning. It's time to ammend our soil again. We used to compost every other year, but then our soil became too rich and was causing some problems. Now we ammend every 3-4 years, which seems to be just about right for our soil. It still strikes me as strange to purchase shit. Sure it's fancy shit, but still.

For the foreseeable future, we will be working on distributing this throughout the garden. It's a ton of shovelling, and I usually end up with lots of blisters, along with a sore back. I don't mind the shovelling nearly as much as the preliminary work, which requires us to rake off all of the mulch before we spread the compost. Then once the compost is spread nicely and evenly over all the gardens, we have to reapply the mulch that we raked off. We're supposed to get rain all weekend. That should make it really interesting.

Mark is at a talk tonight, and Luciana just returned from Hunter's house. I have a night of fun to look forward to. L and I are going to read some Trixie Belden before bed, while hanging out with the birds and rabbits, and of course Botswana. LOST is taping right now, and once she's all snuggled into her bed with Chloe, M & I will watch LOST with Daisy and Jezebel. M also got me my very favorite vegan ice cream--Purely Decadent peanut butter zig zag--that I will enjoy while watching LOST. I love this night!

Today was pretty good as well. My work week ended with me completing a project I've been working on for way too long. I promised to have it done before I left today, and I got it done with a half hour to spare. It was pretty kick-ass awesome, too, so I left on a high note. And while Hunter was here earlier, he decided to crawl around in the back of my closet with a flashlight (he likes to clean and organize things), and he found Tica's missing collar.

Two on Tuesday

I am always so excited to see the first spring flowers in our yard! I snapped these on Sunday.

1. Scilla

2. One of my favorites--a daffodil

Easter...and kittens

Chloe continues to heal, and we are looking forward to getting her stitches out later this week. She has learned which of the cats she can sniff and lie next to and which of the cats she needs to avoid. She’s adjusted very well to the household routines and has taken to being spoiled and coddled. She sees Daisy and Jezebel regularly, but it’s always through a gate. They seem to be okay with each other and very curious, but we won’t have the face-to-face introductions until her stitches are removed. We don’t want to take any risks with her. She shows no aggression or tendency to be vicious at all, but she has shown that she takes seriously her self-appointed job to guard me from all strangers. Once she sees that I’m okay with the approaching stranger and I tell her it’s okay, she’s fine, but until then she insinuates herself between me and the potential threat and barks with a deep, scary, big-dog bark. It’s so sweet of her!

We’ve reached the heart-wrenching point where the kittens are ready to go. The ‘twins’ (the two white & gray boys) will be going to their new family this weekend. I’m going to have a rough, weepy week—or more likely several months, and Dej will probably be the same, if not worse. I get sick whenever I think of taking them to their new home, which will be wonderful for them, but we will miss them so much. I always feel the pain of mommy cat, who looks for and worries about where her babies went. I HATE having to put her through that! Breaking up happy families sucks! This is why I don’t like to get involved with or do kitten placements. I always end up heartsick and depressed—even when it’s a ‘happy ending’ where they go to loving, permanent homes. We enjoyed them so much this weekend, and spent lots of time with them, knowing that this would be the last weekend we would all be together.

Saturday afternoon, Logan and Colton came over for a few hours, and the kids had a blast playing. It was a little chilly—in the low 50s but was sunny enough that it was good playing-outside weather. The kids alternated, playing outside for a while and then playing inside for a while. The boys are always perfect for me, and all of the kids got along well. Poor Colton didn’t get his usual after-lunch nap, but he held up well. He brought me a Sports Illustrated magazine at around 3 and asked me to read him the basketball story. I read him a scintillating story about the Tarheels, and he listed raptly until he drifted off to sleep. He took a little 45 minute snooze, and shortly after that, Orinda came to pick them up. Hunter also came over and played with all of the kids.

We had a pretty standard Easter, following the same traditions we do every year. The Easter Bunny came to our house and left eggs inside for the girls to find. The plastic eggs are filled with either candy or money. One egg still remains unfound, somewhere in our house. It will be a late easter surprise for whoever finds it. Each girl also gets a basket (they have each used the same basket since their first easter) filled with more stuffed eggs and a gift from the EB. Luciana dominated the egg hunt at home this year, as she’s a little more highly motivated to search for the eggs than her sister is.

L & M played basketball outside for a little while. We got a new net for our backboard, as the birds had used our old net for nesting materials. When Dej was younger, she played basketball in the driveway and she had a basketball, but we couldn’t find it anywhere. L. asked if we could get her a basketball—preferably pink—so she could play. We actually found a pink and orange ball, and she was very happy with that. Chloe laid in a sunny spot in the yard and watched them play.

We always go to my parents’ in the afternoon for their egg hunt. This was the first Easter in a looooong time that we had nice enough weather to do the hunt outside. My brother and his wife are traveling, so their boys have been staying at my parents’. Dej felt that one egg hunt per day was all she really needed, so she didn’t participate in this hunt—it was just Luciana and the two boys. All of the eggs at her house were found. I think that these eggs all contained money rather than candy. Chloe came with us, and she supervised the hunt.

Dej & Joe arrived at the end of the hunt to join us for my dad's homemade pizza. Joe’s mom, Fran, also joined us. We visited until we had enough room to accommodate the dessert my mom made, orange-pineapple cake. It was delicious! Then it was time to get back home and spend more time with the kittens before they had to go back to Fond du Lac with D & J.

I feel so bad for Dej! She's done so well with being responsible and grown up, but she keeps getting pummelled by life. First Joe was laid off. Then they had some very expensive car repairs. They've still been able to keep it together and stay afloat. Now they are dealing with a bit of a mess in their apartment. The upstairs neighbor left her sink plugged and running and forgot about it while she took a shower (wtf??!). The water began to pour from D & J's ceiling, dripping all over. They now have a wet apartment with buckets and pans all over and a bowed ceiling. She's not even sure at this point if they can stay there tonight. Oh, and her laptop's cable died, so it's unusable until the one I ordered arrives later this week. I miss being able to chat with her online late at night! I wish things could go more smoothly for her, although she's learned really quickly that being a 'grown up' isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be.