Today I'm dirty. I want to be pretty. Tomorrow I know I'm just dirt.

I struggle with maintaining my compassion for most humans. I've mentioned this before. I would love to live in a world where nobody suffered, ever. That's clearly not a reality though. That being said, I have a passion for justice and fairness, and those two very powerful feelings often cause me a lot of painful conflict. Now is one of those times. There's a very real part of me that doesn't want to see a single individual suffer from swine flu (or H1N1 now). It's tragic and it hurts me deeply to think that people are suffering with this--both from the actual virus and from the fear of the virus.

At the same time, there's this whole justice thing that creeps up. I catch myself thinking (and saying) that it more than serves the fucking corpse eaters right. Yep, this, like the previous scare of the bird flu is a direct result of vile animal husbandry practices. These animals are packed in small, confined areas, in extremely poor health, regularly pumped full of antibiotics and other drugs and chemicals, and forced to suffer every rotten minute of their lives, until they are gloriously released from that hell by a painful and frightening final slaughtering. Everything about the way animals are farmed for their flesh is disgusting, abusive, and just plain wrong. The fact that every blue moon, humans pay an obvious price (contrasted with the less-obvious but common health conditions that result from eating meat and dairy) for their cruel lust for flesh really makes me happy. But it also makes me sad. WTF?!? It's very confusing for me. Bottom line is that I feel that every flesh eater, who has a choice to NOT eat other living beings (which is all of us in developed countries at least) but they chose too anyway, deserves to suffer the same painful life and death that they endorse by participating in that lifestyle.

Sounds harsh. Feels harsh. If they all suffered what I believe they deserve, I would feel sadness and pain beyond belief. But that would be justice. That's the kind of thinking that has me on a constant cycle of vacillation between my pity, sympathy, empathy and my desire for justice. I say again, if you're an animal-killing flesh eater and you're reading this, I probably love you and would do almost anything for you. What's mine is yours and if you feel pain, so do I. That being said, you deserve to suffer every single painful ignominy that you condone for animals. Sorry, but I've never been one to mince words.

My oldest daughter is terribly frightened of this flu. She is absolutely unrealistically fearful of it. I went through a very similar stage at around her age, and I remember the terror. It kills me that she feels that way. SHE has never eaten animal flesh. She does not and would not ever hurt or condone hurting animals. She doesn't deserve to suffer any consequences as a result of assholes who farm animals with no compassion. My child hurts, and that makes me mean as hell. I'm just bitter about this whole mess.

Sunday afternoon, I will be attending the funeral of my friend and personal hero, Helene Dwyer. She's been an inspiration to me throughout her life and death. I am so happy, for Helene, that she's gone. Her suffering is done, and my god that woman suffered in a way that nobody ever should--especially her. She lived her entire life with the goal of making the world better for all beings. She contributed more positivity to this world than most humans, by far. Anybody who talked to her, no matter what the subject, walked away feeling cared about and wishing to be just a little bit better of a person. The good that Helene has done for animals is unfathomable, both with her direct action and with her beautiful influence on others. It's not right that she suffered the way she did with her hideous killer - ALS. Even after knowing what she would go through, Helene would have gladly volunteered to suffer with ALS if she thought it would save or help another being. That's the kind of woman she was. She was a rare treasure. I was lucky to have known her and hope that I've become a little bit better as a result. This world was lucky to have had her for the 68 way-too-brief time that she was here. My world and the world of so many humans and animals is infinitely darker without her.

I learned something this morning about Helene, when reading her lovely obituary. Somehow it felt like a little last gift from her. I never knew her middle name. It's just not a topic that people generally discuss. Her middle name was Lucy. My daughter, who was actually named for my grandma (another great woman), will also have the privilege of sharing her name with Helene, and it will always be a little reminder for me and I hope an inspiration to try to be a little more like Helene.

I got a little time outside in the garden tonight after my class. It was very restorative for me. I weeded out probably over 100 maple volunteers, quite a few boxwoods, and some locusts. The weeds are doing fantastically in the garden. I'm already behind on weeding. I really don't remember having this many weeds this early in the year. The quantity of dandelions are disheartening! I do enjoy weeding, but it's just a little overwhelming to see so many so soon.



The magnolia continues to bud and flower




The weeping katsura is starting to leaf out






The bleeding hearts are starting to bloom






The pulmonarias are blooming





The weeping white birch is leafing out